Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I'm at home having a very painful back. Don't know if it's still because of my scoliosis or because of 8 hours sitting in front of the computer, sending resumes in all the hospitals/clinics/polyclinics here in Dubai. I also have black-stained fingers because of frequent scanning of classified ads in newspapers.

Am I losing hope? Well... honestly, a bit. I'm really an optimistic person. But sometimes, I just can't help it. :(

I'm a nurse who doesn't know which path should I really be taking. I love arts and yes, most of the time I wish that I should have taken Fine Arts instead of Nursing. But don't get me wrong. I don't despise Nursing. It's just that, maybe, I'm not given the chance to be included in a well-known tertiary hospital where I can learn and improve my nursing skills.

I'm a mediocre nursing student. I have average grades in Nursing subjects back in College. My best subjects were Statistics, Asian Civilization, Social Studies, and PE, specifically football! Haha. Subjects which are not really needed in Nursing!

Do I love having duties in the hospital? Yes and No.

I'm really not used to emergency situations. I'm not expert at putting IV cannulas. Usually, I palpitate and get nervous whenever I was having patients who were suffering terribly in pain. I don't have sufficient knowledge and experience in treating all diseases, which makes me a little bit unconfident to be a nurse.

But whenever I'm doing nursing interventions and I get it right the first time, it really makes my heart leap. :) I enjoy blood, wounds, pus, and everything icky and yucky coming out from the patients (except for urine and poop, of course. Who would have want that?!). And believe it or not, I'm compassionate about my patients. The feeling is priceless whenever I get genuine gratitude from my patients. That really makes me feel that I'm making a difference. I'm someone in this world. I'm worthy.

Does that mean I am qualified as a nurse? I don't know. But I remember, before I made my decision to take a degree in Nursing, I asked God for a sign. That if I pass the exam and interview in the university where I graduated, then I'm definitely meant to be a nurse. Not only that, He made me passed my 4 years in Nursing without failing marks, and even made me passed the Nursing Licensure exam.

And to add a bonus on that one, He made me practiced my profession in a foreign country for a year eventhough I didn't have any working experience in my home land!


So am I really meant to be a nurse? What if I'm pursuing a wrong path? What if I should be doing something else where I can really excel and be happy about?


Oh God, this is really, really, really hard. I just pray that someday (in the near future I hope), I would know what's meant for me and what's my real purpose in life.

Throughout the whole day, the lyrics of the song entitled The Show by Lenka, were playing through my mind. It's as if the letters of the song were teasing me...

"I'm just a little bit caught in the moment, life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, I've tried. I've got to let it go... and just enjoy the show."

Maybe that's what God is telling me as of this moment. Stop worrying of so many things that I should not be worrying about in the first place and just enjoy my journey. Eventhough depression is really kicking in this time (maybe due to hormonal imbalance again), I know all these obstacles that I'm facing will be all worth it in the end. :)

In fact, these obstacles are not really obstacles compared to the problems other people are having! I should be thankful that I still have a wonderful life with my loved-ones and friends despite of my mind-boggling queries about life.. hehe

Anyway, on the lighter side, my college friends had a mini-reunion today in Trinoma (where else? haha) and I really wish I was there. Funny because eventhough I wasn't there anymore, the meeting place was still in Red Ribbon inside Trinoma. That place became very memorable for me. It became the meeting place whenever my friends (from gradeschool, highschool, and college) and I would plan for a get-together. It was also the place where I met my blogmates...

and so as some other people I just met this year, I mean last year! haha *wink*