The Girl taken for granted

She doesn't know you that much but she gave you a chance.

She's not ready to meet someone yet but she gave you her trust.

She waits for your call in the afternoon even if she has something more important to do.

She waits for your call in the wee hours of the night even if she's already tired.

She waits for your text, hoping that you ate well and you got home safely.

She stays in front of the computer waiting for you to go online.

She sings for you just to make you happy.

She makes you laugh with her crazy stories and jokes.

She listens to your stories and remembers every details of them.


She gets paranoid whenever you wouldn't call her.

She doesn't get mad even if she knows deep inside, you're just making excuses.

She still talks to you even if she wanted to avoid you.

She believed you when you said you will never ever leave her and you'll always be at her side.

She still hopes that everything will be fine and you will realize her worth.


But despite all her efforts and heartaches, you still left her and taken her for granted.

But still, she never got mad when you said goodbye...

She even told you to take care of yourself because you mean a lot to her...

She just cried and hoped that someday, she will forget all these things so she can be truly happy again.

How do you stop when you still wanted to go?

I am hurting. Still.

Eventhough I crack jokes, put up wacky faces, smile and laugh a lot, when I go home, I still cry. When I'm alone, I still cry.

And sometimes I think I'm overreacting but I can't help it. I don't want to cry but sometimes I just can't control my emotions.

I am human. I have feelings too.

I'm crying because I was hurt.

And I guess it's just normal.



Do I have to tell you that I'm still hurting because of you? Because I really wanted to.

What's with pride?

Minsan may mga bagay kang gustong tanungin at linawin pero kaya mo kayang itanong o hindi na lang kasi may pride ka?

Paano kung matatahimik ka lang kapag nalaman mo yung kasagutan kahit masakit (or hindi masakit kasi hindi mo pa talaga alam), go ka ba or huwag na lang kasi may pride ka?

Ang labo pare!

How to avoid being clingy

Sometimes, when I like someone, I tend to be clingy with him. I always want to talk to him, see him, and share stories with him. Of course, I like the person that's why I'm interested in knowing him. But I guess, this habit of mine is really unhealthy. My friends even said that I'm PARANOID (Oh yeah, I've heard it for more than 10 times now!). But I can't help it! I always think of negative things whenever he would not call me throughout the day. :(

So to help myself from being a clingy-freak, I googled this topic and I would like to share these steps to those girls (or even guys) who want to change their attitude for a loving and healthier relationship.

HOW TO AVOID BEING CLINGY:

1. 
   
   Trust the other person totally. They are not like your ex, and will not do the same thing to you. Not every man or every woman is out to break your heart or steal your money. Relax and do not blow a good relationship because you feel selfish.
2. 
   
   Realize that the one you love is in love with who you are. That will not change unless you continue to be selfish and that will only serve to drive that person away. Be yourself, the person they fell in love with and not the person who clings and is selfish.
3. 
   
   Keep yourself busy. When you feel like being clingy usually, it is because you are lonely and keeping busy will eliminate that need. Find a hobby, read a book, visit a friend, or clean your house from top to bottom do anything you can do to avoid being selfish. (Or in my case, REVIEW!)
4. 
   
   Realize that the one you love has a life which you are a part of. You are not that person's whole life and you should not consume them, for that only brings heartbreak to both of you. Do not try to consume their every waking moment of their life; they have jobs and a life outside of you.
5. Allow the person to be themselves. You fell in love with that person because of whom they were, and if you cling to them for life support then you are changing them from whom you love. You should never want to change someone you love.
6. Realize that if you try to control the actions of the one you profess to love, you will lose that person. Let that person be him or herself. For if you try to control they will high tail it out of the relationship, as no one likes to be controlled.

In my case, well I guess I'm still having problems regarding trust issues. Maybe putting up high walls for my defense, is really not a good idea. Eventhough I wanted to give my whole trust to someone, I still have this fear that he might broke it and I will be in pain again. :(

But I'm trying. I'm trying to break the walls and to trust someone again.

I just hope he is true enough and will wait for me when the time comes that I'm ready to be with him. :)

*Oo nga pala. Si Juan ay si Juan at si Pedro ay si Pedro. Hindi sila magkaparehas at magkaibang tao sila.*

Hanep

Ang bilis talaga ng DHL. Natanggap ko na kahapon yung mga papers na kailangan ko. Nagsabi na rin ako dun sa nag-aayos ng visa ko sa Dubai na ok na at pwede na nilang simulang ayusin yung papers ko dun. Nagreply naman siya agad. Sabi niya, pwede na raw ako magpabooked ng end of March. Ang bilis din talaga ng panahon ano?

Masaya ba ako?

Sa totoo lang, eto yung hindi ko maintindihan sa sarili ko. Kapag nasa Pinas ako, gusto kung umalis at makapagtrabaho na ulit sa ibang bansa. Kapag nasa ibang bansa na ako, gusto ko na ulit umuwi at makasama ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Kahapon nung nareceive ko yung papers ko, medyo nalungkot ako. Inaasahan ko kasi next week ko pa marereceive yun. Sabi kasi ng DHL sa akin last week, 7 working days daw excluding weekends. So ang bilang ko talaga, sa Tuesday next week ko pa marereceive. E pero ganun e. Nareceive ko na kahapon. Dapat nga di ba nagpapasalamat ako at naayos nang maaga! Haha. Ang gulo ko lang talaga. Sabi ko nga e. Bipolar ako.

Kaya rin siguro hindi ako masyadong masaya na natapos ko nang ayusin yung papers ko ay dahil ang dami ko pang pending na lakad. Sa totoo lang, modesty aside, ang hirap maging Ms. Congeniality. Masaya ako na ang dami kong kaibigan, ang dami kong grupong sinalihan, at ang daming nagmamahal sa akin. Super natouched ako na ang daming nagtext, natuwa, at gustong makipagkita muna sa akin bago ako bumalik ng Dubai. Pero sad to say, kaunti pa lang ang nakasama kong friends. Sana naman maintindihan ako ng iba kong kaibigan na nahihirapan din naman akong i-schedule ang sarili ko sa lahat ng lakad ko. Gusto ko silang lahat makita at maibigay yung mga pasalubong ko. Ang kaso lang, nagrereview din naman ako, at sa totoo lang, tinitipid ko rin yung allowance na binigay sa akin nila mama dahil nga mamamasahe pa ako pabalik sa Dubai. Sana naman maintindihan nila na may mga bagay na ganito na kahit gusto mo naman talagang sumama, may priorities ka ring iba na mas dapat mauna.

Pero promise. Ta-try ko namang pangatawanan ang pagiging kaibigan ko sa inyo. I'll try my best to meet you guys before I leave. :)

At nakakatawa ang romantic horoscope ko kanina sa FB. Pakibasa lalo na yung last line...

(Pakiclick na lang po to enlarge image. Kasi kapag nilakihan ko, hindi kakasya sa border)

Haha.. parang saktong-sakto na ewan ko. Nakakalungkot na ewan ko rin tuloy nararamdaman ko naman dito :(

Anyway, bahala na. Lubusin ang mga natitirang araw.

PS: Naalis si Adam Lambert sa American Idol!!!!! Yung bet ko na mananalo from my previous entry. Ano ba yan. Mukhang lagi na lang mali instinct ko ngayon a. What's happening???!

Bipolar

The heat yesterday was just so insane! Eventhough my electric fan was on all throughout the day, it didn't do any help. I only turn my aircon on for 3 hours during night to save electricity since I'll be needing more money for my trip to Dubai soon.

I don't know if it was just because of the heat, or maybe hormonal imbalance (again), or maybe I was just not in  the good mood yesterday.

Maybe I'll be receiving my authenticated HS credentials next week, already sealed by UAE embassy. I just hope it will be finished as soon as possible.

I want to leave now. I want to go back to Dubai and leave all my problems here behind.

I know this is where I'm good at. Running away and never facing my own dilemmas in life.

Lord please give us some rain. Not like Ondoy but something to relieve us from this intense heat.

PS: I saw this in my friend's FB and somehow, I got affected! Haha. Shet! But I already stopped my "stalking" habit since friendster days. :)

Did this affect you too? Haha!

 

Growing apart

Another thing that I also fear in having relationships is that it is not forever. Even married couples for a long time grow apart.

For example, my parents who are both living in Bahrain. In the same house under one roof as husband and wife. But not in the same bed and they are not talking to each other for quite some time now. When I was still in Dubai, one has to call me to relay one's message to the other. I hate it. Not only because I don't have enough balance to call them, but they both know that I'm also busy finding a job at that time. One time I even told my Dad that it's their problem and I have mine too so they should just fix it with themselves. I actually felt sorry after I said that. Maybe I was just feeling a bit pressured at that time.

Until now that I'm back here in the Philippines, they are still not talking to each other. But they still do their responsibilities as husband and wife. Like my Dad would pick up my Mom from work, and my Mom would still do the laundry for the both of them. But that's it. Every Friday (considered as a day off in Middle East) I talk to my Mom via webcam, but without my Dad. He's either in his friend's house or in church. I miss my Dad actually. I haven't seen him via webcam for a long time now.

Even when I was still there in Bahrain, they were already having some problems. My Dad said if it wasn't for me, maybe he would have left my Mom a long time ago. He's been a very good father to me. He makes impossible things happen for the sake of our family. I know, for the past 10 or 12 years of my life, he's been trying to patch things up between the two of them. Before I left Bahrain, he promised me that he will do everything to make their relationship work. But I don't know what will happen now that it's been months since the last time they talked to each other. Everytime I talk to one of them, one will say something bad about the other. It's very difficult to pretend that I'm fine with what's been happening to our family. I'm trying my best to smile and to keep our conversations light, but somehow, deep inside, I am hurting.

I have so many issues in life that I've been trying to fix right now. It's sad that the people who are very dear to me are adding up to my problems.

And I find it weird that for almost 24 years of their marriage, they are still having these misunderstandings. I just hope everything will be fine as soon as possible.

Plus the pressure of my upcoming exam on April (I know, a month early for this) makes me more stressed!

The sturdy walls

Believe it or not, I started reviewing just a few minutes ago for my oral examinations on the 15th of April. Then I got bored just by scanning my thick (actually my friend's since I borrowed it from her) Medical-Surgical Nursing book. Gahd! Why do we have to take examinations all the time?! Tsk.

So I'll just make a short blog entry about an sms sent to me yesterday by a friend:

They met...

But the timing isn't right..

She has her reasons and he has his..

They're both confused..

So they decided to part ways..

She wants him to wait, he said he will..

Whatever it takes..

Years later, they saw each other again..

..but too much time has passed..

too late to make it work..

Lesson?

People change, so does the heart..

Seize the moment..

For in truth..

Nobody waits forever. :(

----> made me more scared than ever! haha If you are a friend of mine who's been reading this blog for quite some time, you probably read my entry about me having my walls to prevent myself from getting hurt all the time. Mind you, it isn't easy to have those. Most of the time, I feel like I have two persons inside me, telling me to believe and be positive, and the other one telling me the exact opposite. Sometimes, I'd like to lower down my walls just to at least give someone a chance or the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, he won't hurt me like the previous ones. But since these walls of mine are built after a long time now, they became a bit sturdier than before, that even I could not break it. I'm still dwelling with trust issues, insecurities, and a lot of pressure from my responsibilities that I must accomplish within a short span of time.

I sometimes thought that I hope I never built that walls in the first place. After all, being hurt and scared are all part of loving. It is not always rainbows and butterflies. In order for love to grow and be strong, we should take chances and believe that there is still a happy ending. Because if we continue to be scared of being hurt again, then we'll never be able to love and be loved again.

Then I saw this status message from my friend in facebook:

"The thing is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to choose who is worth the pain."

As of now, I'm still in the process of trying to break down my walls. But maybe, taking a shot at this time is worth giving a try. I don't know. We never know what's the best decision anyway unless we try.

Pero natatakot pa rin akong maramdaman ulit ang selos, paranoia, disappointments, and everythAng else na kaakibat ng feeling na ayokong maramdaman sa ngayon!

The old Me

Usapan namin ng friend ko kanina sa ym:

Friend: Sana yung dating Camille ang naabutan niya.. hehehe

Ako: Na? Yung banat ng banat? hahaha

Friend: Oo. Yung Camille na hindi pa takot.

Iniisip ko yan simula pa kanina. Siguro nga, sobrang natakot na ako na masaktan ulit kaya ganito ako ngayon. Ngayon kasi, dinibdib ko na masyado ang mga katagang "Guard your heart."

Hindi ako ganito noon, promise. Noon, utu-uto ako, madaling mabola, at madaling ma-fall. At madalas akong masaktan dahil sa kashungahan kong ganyan. Madalas akong umiyak, madalas magpakapathetic, at ang laging sumbungan ay ang dakilang blog na mababasa ng ibang tao. Tapos mababasa ko ulit yun after some time, at eeewwwness naman talaga! Hahaha.

Ayoko na nang ganun. Kaya tinuruan ko sarili ko maging numb. I put walls around myself. Sa bawat actuations ng kung sinuman (mostly lalakeng nagpapacute), lahat nilalagyan ko ng negative meaning. Lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na, hindi rin yan magtatagal katulad ng iba. Huwag ka mag-invest ng special feelings mo diyan. Masasabi kong it worked naman for me. Kumbaga, mas pinapagana ko na kasi yung utak ko. Hindi na yung lagi nadadaan sa emosyon.

Minsan, ang dami kong tanong na gustong itanong, ang dami kong bagay na gusto kong gawin, pero dahil I have my walls around me, I was restricted. Limited yung kilos ko. Dapat eto lang ang sasabihin, dapat eto lang ang ipaparamdam. Nothing more, nothing less.

Mahirap din pala. Hindi ko masabi lahat ng gusto kong sabihin kasi nga natatakot ako na baka pag may mali akong nasabi o nagawa, mawawala yung isang bagay/tao na mahalaga sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba yung ginagawa kong ganito. In fairness, wala pa namang nasisira na anuman. Hindi naman ako nasasaktan pa nang bonggang-bongga kagaya noon na kailangan kong iiyak.

Pero hindi rin naman ako masaya. So, ibig sabihin ba tama yung ginagawa ko?

Nag-iingat lang naman kasi ako. Ayoko lang matulad sa dati na I always give chance pero sa huli ako yung umuuwing luhaan. Mahirap din kaya magmove on at mahirap magsimula ulit na parang walang nangyari!

Naalala ko tuloy yung sabi nung isa ko pang friend sa akin. Totoo raw yung kantang I know I'll never love this way again. Kasi once you've been hurt by what had happened in the past, you'd be too cautious with your actions the next time.

Hay, siguro nga totoo yung kantang yun.

Pero ayoko namang habambuhay akong takot. Siguro, darating din ang time na may isang taong makakatibag ng walls ko. :)

Ang paghahanap ng trabaho sa Dubai

Mahirap. Hindi biro. Lalo na't recession sa ngayon.

Sa loob ng isang buwan at mahigit na paghahanap ng trabaho sa parteng ito ng Gitnang Silangan, masasabi kong swerte pa rin ako kumpara sa karamihan. Oo, alam ko, sinabi ko kanina, mahirap. E sa mahirap naman kasi talaga noh!

Lakad dito, lakad doon na yung varicose veins ko siguro abot na hanggang singit ko ngayon. Yung walking shoes at saka sandals ko nga, nawasak na dahil sa layo ng nilalakad ko everyday, every night. Magastos dahil mahal ang bayad sa taxi, halos sa isang araw e makaka-isang libong piso na ako sa pamasahe pa lang. May mga pagkakataon din na dadayuhin ko pa ang ibang emirates gaya ng Sharjah para lang magbakasaling swertihin. Kung may oras, pera, at mas malakas ang loob ko, baka pinatos ko pa yung mga for interviews ko sa Abu Dhabi, Ajman, at Al Ain. O di parang nalibot ko na buong UAE!

At kung maswerte ka talagang gaya ko, makakakilala ka ng iba't-ibang klase ng bosses/employers. Oo maraming manyak dito, bastos, walang respeto, at mga nagmamarunong. Pero may karapatan ba akong magreklamo at magtaray? Wala, dahil aplikante lang ako! Kaya all the way ng interview kahit gusto ko nang umiyak at mag-walk out, todo-smile pa rin ang drama ko. Ganun ang attitude dapat. Think positive, huwag kang aayaw!

Marami ka ring makikilalang mga kaibigan either by phone, kaparehas mong aplikante, napagtanungan mo ng direksyon, nakatabi mo sa bus, o di kaya nagkamali lang ng dial ng phone at na-i-dial ang number mo. Pero siyempre, dapat mag-iingat pa rin. Hindi naman lahat ng nakikilala araw-araw, maski kapareha man ng lahi e karapat-dapat nang pagkatiwalaan.

Damang-dama rin dito ang recession. Ang mga kasabayan ko sa mga interviews ay yung mga natanggal sa mga kumpanya dito dahil nga nalugi yung kumpanyang pinagtatrabahuan nila noon. Ngayon lang ako nakaranas na naka-schedule ako for interview, at maraming kasabay. Usually kasi noon, ako lang talaga ang iniinterview. Tapos natatanggap na ako agad. E ngayon, hindi. Sa dami ba naman ng kakumpetensiya ko, ang bata pa ng edad ko at kaunti ang working experience, e saan na ako ipapadpad nito?

Kaya pilit ko pa ring binalikan at pinagsusumikapan makakuha ng trabaho na in line sa aking kursong medikal. Nagkaroon din naman ako ng offers noh, hindi naman ako masyadong kawawa sa iniisip niyo (hahaha). Ang kaso, choosy ako e. Gusto ko ospital na may magandang sahod. E yun pala, mahirap makahanap ng ganung trabaho sa ngayon dahil nga wala pa akong lisensiya dito! So dapat pala, kinuha ko na yung ibang offer noon e di sana tapos na ang problema ko sa ngayon.

Ganunpaman, mabait talaga si Lord. Hindi Niya pa rin ako binibitiwan kahit pasaway ako sa Kanya. Meron na ulit offer na ospital sa akin. Kanina-kanina lang. O e anong dinadaldal-daldal ko rito? E tapos na pala ang problema ko e!

HINDI. Dito pumapasok ang mas marami kong problema.

Mag-a-apply ako bukas (or this week) ng for examination sa DOH dito. Kailangan ko yung TOR, diploma, PRC certifications, certifications from previous employer ko na authenticated by UAE embassy sa Pinas. Ang tanong... asan ang mga ito?

Nasa Pilipinas at pinaprocess pa. Pinakamalinaw na matatanggap ko yun ay by feb pa raw. :(

Sabi ko nga kanina, siguro mas masakit yun tanggapin na uuwi ako (if ever) ng Pinas dahil kulang yung papeles ko at ako ang may kasalanan dahil hindi ko inayos dati pa. Kesa yung dahilan na uuwi ako ng Pinas dahil recession dito at walang employer na kumuha sa akin.

E hindi e. Meron.

Pero ganunpaman, hindi pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag-asa. Alam ko may mas magandang plano si God. Isa pa, malay mo pwede pala ipa-rush yung mga dokumento ko. Basta Lord, hindi Kita pipilitin. Pero sana, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssseeeee naman po. Sana para sa akin na ito. Promise Lord, hindi ko na itatakwil ang Nursing. I-e-embrace ko na ito nang bongga!!!

At Lord, salamat sa lahat ng pagsubok na ito. Alam ko, para ito sa ikabubuti ko.

Alabyu!!!!! :)

At siyempre, salamat sa mga taong patuloy na tumutulong at sumusuporta sa akin ngayon. Special shout-out kina Inday Mechelle, Plats, Rona, Diday. Pati sa tita ko na nag-aayos ng papeles ko sa Pinas! (Bilisan mo!! hahaha). Sa mga magulang ko na patuloy na nagbibigay ng allowance ko na halos linggo-linggo na lang ay hinuhuthutan ko (makakabawi rin ako sa inyo). Sa tita ko na tumutulong sa akin dito at nagbigay ng libreng pabahay. Sa roommate niya rito na nagbigay ng libreng internet. Kay Charee na ever-supportive friend/blogmate ko na isang Dubayuki na pilit pinu-pull-out ang lahat ng resources niya para matulungan ako. Kay Tuts at sa friend niya na nagpadala ng CV ko sa lahat ng emirates! hahaha. Sa lahat ng mga kablogs ko na patuloy pa ring nagbabasa ng blog ko ngayon, english man o tagalog.. haha (Cleotie, Aubrey, Ems, Cha, atbp..). At pati na rin kay O. :)

Salamat ng marami. aysoooooooolabyu all!!! mwuah!

Teacup story

Copied (with permission of course) from Story teller.

There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, "You don't understand. I have not always been a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone.' But he only smiled, and gently said; 'Not yet!'" "Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. 'Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick,' I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; 'Not yet.'

"He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then… Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. Help! Get me out of here! I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet'."

"When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better, I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please; Stop it, Stop it!' I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'."

"Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited ------- and waited, wondering "What's he going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.'" "And I did. I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!'

Quietly he spoke: 'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you."

The moral of this story is this:

God knows what He's doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this....

Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest teacup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter.

~ Author Unknown ~

Bungee Jumping

(Ui, Tagalog ulit! Parang nagkakaroon tuloy ng pattern ang posting ko rito. English-Tagalog-English-Tagalog. Ewan. Basta.. read na lang!)

Parang ang saya magbungee jumping noh? Siguro super saya at thrilling ng experience na ito. Pero kasi, takot din ako e. Takot akong ma-fall. Ayoko pa talaga. Paano kung walang sasalo sa akin sa ibaba, paano kung walang airbed/mattress dun? O di ang sakit. Mahirap kaya makarecover sa ganoong klase ng pagkaka-fall na walang sasalo sa iyo. Masakit yun sa puso, este sa buto at katawan!

Kaya ayoko ma-fall. Pinipigilan ko. Pero kung halimbawang nakasuspend na ako sa air at nagstart nang magbungee jumping sa ngayon, ang estimation ko e malapit na ako sa ground. Malapit na akong ma-fall!

Kaya hindi pwede ito. Hindi talaga. Tsk.







Huwag ka na kasi masyadong mabait. Huwag mo na ko kausapin muna. Huwag kang mangamusta. Huwag mo muna kong bolahin. Ewan kung yun yung tama. Ewan kung unfair ako sa gagawin ko pero kasi... ayoko nang ganito.


Hindi na muna kita kakausapin... kahit gusto ko. :(

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I'm at home having a very painful back. Don't know if it's still because of my scoliosis or because of 8 hours sitting in front of the computer, sending resumes in all the hospitals/clinics/polyclinics here in Dubai. I also have black-stained fingers because of frequent scanning of classified ads in newspapers.

Am I losing hope? Well... honestly, a bit. I'm really an optimistic person. But sometimes, I just can't help it. :(

I'm a nurse who doesn't know which path should I really be taking. I love arts and yes, most of the time I wish that I should have taken Fine Arts instead of Nursing. But don't get me wrong. I don't despise Nursing. It's just that, maybe, I'm not given the chance to be included in a well-known tertiary hospital where I can learn and improve my nursing skills.

I'm a mediocre nursing student. I have average grades in Nursing subjects back in College. My best subjects were Statistics, Asian Civilization, Social Studies, and PE, specifically football! Haha. Subjects which are not really needed in Nursing!

Do I love having duties in the hospital? Yes and No.

I'm really not used to emergency situations. I'm not expert at putting IV cannulas. Usually, I palpitate and get nervous whenever I was having patients who were suffering terribly in pain. I don't have sufficient knowledge and experience in treating all diseases, which makes me a little bit unconfident to be a nurse.

But whenever I'm doing nursing interventions and I get it right the first time, it really makes my heart leap. :) I enjoy blood, wounds, pus, and everything icky and yucky coming out from the patients (except for urine and poop, of course. Who would have want that?!). And believe it or not, I'm compassionate about my patients. The feeling is priceless whenever I get genuine gratitude from my patients. That really makes me feel that I'm making a difference. I'm someone in this world. I'm worthy.

Does that mean I am qualified as a nurse? I don't know. But I remember, before I made my decision to take a degree in Nursing, I asked God for a sign. That if I pass the exam and interview in the university where I graduated, then I'm definitely meant to be a nurse. Not only that, He made me passed my 4 years in Nursing without failing marks, and even made me passed the Nursing Licensure exam.

And to add a bonus on that one, He made me practiced my profession in a foreign country for a year eventhough I didn't have any working experience in my home land!


So am I really meant to be a nurse? What if I'm pursuing a wrong path? What if I should be doing something else where I can really excel and be happy about?


Oh God, this is really, really, really hard. I just pray that someday (in the near future I hope), I would know what's meant for me and what's my real purpose in life.

Throughout the whole day, the lyrics of the song entitled The Show by Lenka, were playing through my mind. It's as if the letters of the song were teasing me...

"I'm just a little bit caught in the moment, life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, I've tried. I've got to let it go... and just enjoy the show."

Maybe that's what God is telling me as of this moment. Stop worrying of so many things that I should not be worrying about in the first place and just enjoy my journey. Eventhough depression is really kicking in this time (maybe due to hormonal imbalance again), I know all these obstacles that I'm facing will be all worth it in the end. :)

In fact, these obstacles are not really obstacles compared to the problems other people are having! I should be thankful that I still have a wonderful life with my loved-ones and friends despite of my mind-boggling queries about life.. hehe

Anyway, on the lighter side, my college friends had a mini-reunion today in Trinoma (where else? haha) and I really wish I was there. Funny because eventhough I wasn't there anymore, the meeting place was still in Red Ribbon inside Trinoma. That place became very memorable for me. It became the meeting place whenever my friends (from gradeschool, highschool, and college) and I would plan for a get-together. It was also the place where I met my blogmates...

and so as some other people I just met this year, I mean last year! haha *wink*

Ekspleyn

Sa loob ng humigit-kumulang 5 years of blogging ko, masasabi kong ibang-iba ako sa blog kong ito. Marami akong blogs noon at 3 na lang ang existing sa ngayon pero yung dalawa hindi ko na masyado naa-update. Bukod sa puros kadramahan, kaartehan, at ka-bitteran ang mga pinagsusulat ko dun sa mga dati na hindi ko maisulat masyado rito, ay English ang napili kong language sa blog kong ito... hahaha. Hindi para mag-inarte, magmalaki, o kung anuman. Ang pagkakaiba kasi ng pagsulat ko ng English na blog entry, mas naiisip ko yung mga sinusulat ko. Mas naiisip ko kung dapat ko pa bang ilagay itong topic na ito o hindi na. Kung Tagalog kasi, go lang ako ng go. Hala, sige. Banat ng banat. I don't care kung puros kapathetican ang mga pinagsusulat ko noon, na sa tuwing babasahin ko, ay madalas na napapahawak ako sa noo ko at napapasabing OMG! at napapatanong kung bakit ko pa sinulat ang mga yun. Oo marami akong pinagsisihang sinulat na entries noon na gusto ko sanang i-delete kaso marami nang nakabasa nun. At in fairness naman, hindi naman lahat pinagsisisihan kong isulat. Yung iba naman, natatawa ako at na-a-amazed ako sa sarili ko ngayon na parang nagmatured na ako kesa dun sa nakaraang ako na nagsulat nung blog entry na yun.

Pero meron din akong mga nakuhang violent reactions sa mga taong nagbabasa ng blogs ko noon. Yung iba pa nga talagang i-sesend nila as private message sa akin. At sa maniwala man kayo't sa hindi, nagkaroon din ako ng stalkers dahil sa mga pinopost ko noon. Nakakatawa na nakakainis na pinag-aksayahan pa nila ng panahon di ba. To think na may karapatan naman ako sa freedom of speech at wala silang pakialam sa blog ko.

Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong ikuwento sa blog na ito, ang dami kong gustong i-post na pictures, links, etc, pero mas controlled na ang posting ko rito. Kumbaga sa TV shows, may MTRCB na. Ganun na ngayon ang blog kong ito. Hindi na lahat sinasabi ko, hindi na lahat pinopost ko, at hindi na masyadong personalized. Usually ang mga nilalagay ko na nga lang dito ay general topic e.

Nakakamiss din yung dati kong style ng pagbablog. Actually, mas masaya ako sa ganung style. Pero kasi, naisip ko naman, hindi naman kasi lahat ng information or emotions ko, kailangan ko i-divulge sa public.

Pero minsan kasi, wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga agam-agam ko sa buhay at gusto ko sana i-blog. Kaso, dahil nga controlled na ang pagpopost ko sa blog na ito, hindi ko na naitutuloy i-post. Kaya ang ending, lahat ng mga bagay-bagay na dapat naisulat ko na sa blog na dapat nakapagpagaan na ng nararamdaman ko ngayon ay nasa utak ko pa rin. Asar!

Di bale. Siguro after a few days/weeks, lilipas din itong mga ito. This too shall pass again.

Pero namimiss ko pa rin yung mga dati kong blogs. :(

But I am now, I believe, is a better and grown-up person writing in this blog. :)

a little help

Dear God,

Please give me a stable mind to make the right decisions.

Amen.

PS: Advanced happy birthday Papa J. :)

Prayer in blogs really works for me. So I'm putting this one here. :)

Decision-making is the toughest task for me. Wasn't able to stand up on my own since I was born. I became so dependent with people around me that I always ask for their help. But now I really have to be strong and face my fears alone. I can do this! I have faith in myself and in the Lord. With Him, nothing is impossible.

And I'm really getting old and matured. Love it! :)

In choosing the one

1. It's not enough that he's cute.

2. It's not enough that he has nice set of teeth.

3. It's not enough that he has perfect skin.

4. It's not enough that he's kind.

5. It's not enough that he's small (the height i mean. *evil grin*)

6. It's not enough that he's smart.

7. It's not enough he can make you laugh.

8. It's not enough that he has a good body (even how DEYMN HOT it is).

9. It's not enough that he has a car.

10. It's not enough that he's a good cook.

11. It's not enough that he has a lot of good ideas.

12. It's not enough that he's very thoughtful.

13. It's not enough that he's a hopeless-romantic like you do.

14. It's not enough that he's rich.

15. It's not enough that he has a good diction and proper grammar usage.

16. It's not enough that he apologizes for anything stupid he did (even if it was your mistake actually! hehe)

17. It's not enough that he's bald.

18. It's not enough that he had long hair.

19. It's not enough that he's a good listener.

20. It's not enough even if you have so many, as in sooooo many things in common.

But he's just a boy...

he doesn't understand

how it feels to love a girl

he doesn't care how it hurts

until he lose the one he wanted

cause he's taken her for granted

and everything they had got destroyed.

PS: This is just out of boredom and not about me. Promise! :)

PPS: I really want to post my Dubey pics here and in my fb but I'm still waiting for the good news.. so later!

PPPS: this is me and my good hair day pic! Hehe... My hair is getting longer now. Thank goodness! :)

Random thoughts

I saw this video while browsing what's new in youtube. This is the goodbye song from PBB double up everytime someone gets evicted from the house.

It's Gonna Make Sense - Michael Learns To Rock

It has nice lyrics, don't you think? Very inspiring. :)

I really believe in the saying that everything happens for a reason. There's a purpose why we met a certain person once in our life. There's an answer why we ended up like this, may it be different from what we dreamt of when we were young. Along our way, we will find difficulties to test how strong we really are. We have a lot of questions and we're not sure about the answers.

But someday, in His right time, all these pieces will fall into their places.

Someday, it's gonna make sense. :)

I hate being old

Not that I'm afraid to have all the signs of aging, but sometimes, being old means you'll start analyzing things and understanding the why's in life.

Take these instances for example:

I have watched Notting Hill about 4 times when I was in high school. All of my aunts and my older female friends cried over the movie except for me. Back then, I was thinking maybe I'm stronger than them being the only one unemotionally attached. But when I have watched it again when I was in college, I cried pathetically with my friends for hours even after the movie had already ended. At that time I already had my fair share of heart aches and love problems that's why I can emotionally relate to these kind of movies.

Same with sad love songs. I have sung Roselle Nava's Bakit nga ba mahal kita song over and over again during my childhood days and never did I shed a tear. But I became a silly cry-baby after singing this again at a videoke party 2 years ago after being dumped by someone.

I also realize, that as I grew older, I became very cautious with my actions. It's like being accidentally wounded by a knife while chopping vegetables. The next time you use it, you'll be more careful because you don't like to be hurt and wounded again.

And I hate it when I tend to overanalyze things when in fact, there's nothing to be analyzed about.

But that's what grown-ups do. Experience helps us understand things in a better(?) perspective.

But would it be much nicer to just stay young and be carefree?

I wish!

Christmas lights

This afternoon, my grandfather asked me to go upstairs to check out what he did in our terrace. He fixed our Christmas lights. Not only did he put on the lights but he also designed it in two giant wired circles with an angel between them. It's really nice but not as beautiful as the first time I've seen it.

On second thought, I've never actually laid eyes on this Christmas lights anymore like the way I used to when I was a child.

When I used to admire our big Christmas tree with lots of adornments decorated by my grandmother. She loves decorating our Christmas tree every year. Then my grandfather will put the musical Christmas lights around the tree and all of us will put our gifts underneath it. But since my grandmother was diagnosed with  a heart disease about 5 years ago, and she easily gets tired nowadays, she doesn't put up our Christmas tree anymore.

At the age of 10, I remember myself still writing a letter to Santa asking him what I want for Christmas. And he never let me down. Whenever I wake up early morning of Christmas day, my present would always be under our Christmas tree or inside a "Santa's sock" outside the window pane. My family and I was already having a difficult year during that time because both of my parents lost their jobs. But nonetheless, I still have the Christmas spirit in me so I asked Santa for a Polly pocket as his Christmas gift for me. It was already 2:30 am of Christmas day when I was about to go to the bathroom to pee when I saw my mother doing something beside our Christmas tree. I tip-toed a bit just to look a little closer on what she was doing. She was wrapping a small box with a purple art paper. I was too sleepy and groggy at that time so I just quickly went to the bathroom and went back to bed. The next day, I saw that very same box already wrapped in purple art paper under the tree. I opened it since it has my name on it. A pink Polly pocket was inside it. That was the last time I believed in Santa Clause.

As I get older, we seldom spend Christmas time together. My father went abroad and so was the sister of my mother. Being an only daughter and grand daughter in our family, I only have 4 members of my family left here. We don't put up the Christmas tree anymore. No more decorations aside from the musical Christmas lights in our terrace which by the way, doesn't play any music now. We don't wait for 12 midnight anymore to spend Noche Buena. We just have it the next day as our lunch. No god-children coming into our house anymore.

It's just like any other day. Like our birthdays when we get old. We don't anticipate and celebrate it anymore as we used to when we were young.

Seeing those Christmas lights made me wonder, when will be the next time my family and I will celebrate Christmas together again.